Thursday, January 14, 2010

redemption

I recycle. Not as much as I used to, or plan to again in the future. Life took a weird turn and to make a long story short [too late] I am not as...on top of the whole recycling thing as I wish anymore. But, I still make an effort. My confidence lies in my original beliefs; I will be back on track in the future. Yes.

In the meantime, I manage somewhat haphazardly. But manage still. One of the most irritating things about Living in Connecticut and being a recycling is the fact that, unlike many other states, we still have a "bottle bill" law. Shit this is getting boring, even as I review my facts.

The other afternoon, I decided to do the one thing I promised myself I'd do over the school break, besides eat and sleep and read: Clean Out My Car. It's a circus that imitates other parts of my life, and the biggest obstacle turned out to be the bottles I'd driving around with a scary amount of time. I and my former We don't drink much beer, at least anymore, having graduated to (a phrase that made me look really bad so I just deleted it because sarcasm doesn't always translate via my interweb skills) so it's only every few months that I end up having to return soda and beer bottles for the incredible awesome reward of five cents each.

Bottom line: it sucks and the benefits don't seem to outweigh the costs. I do NOT mind dragging my recycling out to the street on trash night. Prepping empty peanut butter jars, rinsing out pickle jars...it's almost fun compared to standing in a cold 6x12 grocery store annex containing five bottle redemption machines, three of which are broken; the smell a cross between Very Old beer and Cheerio throw-up. The only person authorized to repair the jammed "Glass" machine is an ex-con who has to be paged over the loudspeaker from his hideout in the back by the dumpsters and he is reluctant to say the least.

The weird thing is, in college, and someone back me up on this...returning bottles was kind of...fun. Maybe it was the sheer volume that promised us an impressive sum each weekend, a stupid mind game of "deposit" and "redemption" that made us think we were somehow saving money, when all we were doing was...not wasting more. It all went straight back to Latham wine & spirits, or whatever it was at the time.

Fast forward to now. A generous combination of fear, disgust and panic arose last week when I returned bottles for the first time in months. The realization that the cuffs of my jeans, resting softly on the concrete floor were quietly soaking up the filth in which I stood left me speechless, stupid.

More on this. Or, Moron: this. Will be soon. Loveya audience in my mind.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

honestly


I'm looking forward to a point where I can say: Gee, look at my past year! How I have accomplished and thrived! (My brain wants to write thriven, but we'll move on.) Lots of bloggers I see do this sort of thing. My recollection of the past year would move some to tears, other to nausea, and others still to eating themselves into a coma. I do not want to harm my readers, and it is with this I say, how about I just not mention last year!

Which leads me to now. It's a Tuesday night, and I always claim that a week is much better once one is IN it. Anticipation is a killer; see my thoughts on Sunday Nights. Even Monday nights are such a relief: You're back to school / work / what you do / and you can't turn back. You're in a program and programs save you from procrastination and indecision...something that can take the brightest kid down a notch. Or three.

Of course, not everyone works M-F 9-5 blah-blah. But everyone has a personal "Sunday night." When whatever freedom, in whatever temporary form, had presented itself on-- hopefully a repeating basis-- is about to end. And the only solution to this anxiety is jumping off the dock.

I'm terrified of jumping into water. My nieces and nephews have had to almost literally push me off docks on our family vacations. My relationship with swimming in any way, shape or form has been spotty at best. I think (OK, I know) I made it to "Intermediate" in whatever the hell swimming crap I was signed up with when I was little. After that, I buried myself in...anything but. Then by the time I was a sorta-adult, I was able to float, bob, hang out, chat, tread water, be social...just not swim per se. I got away with it for quite some time. I have made peace with it, and clearly I'm writing about it now, so, Hey World: I suck at Swimming! You were right about me in 7th grade! BUT, the jumping is the more important point.

When that anxiety of The Next Thing occurs, I have found it's best to hold my breath and jump in. Not altogether reckless (although there's a time and a place for recklessness; we'll get to that later) but at least some semblance of awareness + OKAY. You'll. Be. Fine.

Here's where a pithy ending would work. But we all need cliffhangers.


Friday, January 1, 2010

cautious reflection


Happy New Year! 2010. Weird.

But seriously, never have I been happier to see a year go away as I am to see 2009 end.

If you ask me, I could callously answer you that 2009 sucked big time for me. And I have, in different ways, loudly made this clear. But, I have to be honest: to say nothing good happened in 2009 would be a lie; sure. Lots of good things happened. A little dog named Levi came into my life. I found out, the hard way, who my true friends were. I got closer to my family, especially my parents. I realized what the break in my palm's "life line" actually meant (it's called "new start, for reals"). I learned independence doesn't just occur, but is something that grows over time. I wrote more than I wrote the year before. (Some good stuff, actually.) I read a lot more and learned new avenues for learning (just go with that one). And I actually saw a glimpse of a healthy me; a ME who hasn't surfaced in about...five years. Turning the glimpse into a constant is the next step.

Part of me feels like all this 2009 reflection crap should have been taken care of by 11:59pm on 12/31/09. But I guess one thing I've realized over the past ten years is I take a little longer than I expect to reflect on things, and in turn, DO something about that reflection. I knew when I studied abroad in Salzburg, Austria in 1999 that I wouldn't fully be able to write about the experience until years later. I had the awareness to realize what I couldn't realize at the time, but what I knew in my head and spirit I would realize over time. Realize. Thesaurus, anyone?

Anyway, I'm happy to have this place to write. We'll see where it goes. Having your life completely thrown off course and have the crap kicked out if it is something I'm sure not everyone has the privilege of experiencing, so I should be thankful if not boastful. OK pushing it a bit...

It just took me five minutes to figure out how to spell privilege. Small victories.

Other things for 2009: use coupons to buy new desk chair (mine died), take more pictures and post them, work on upper body strength, eat more vegetables, write a manuscript of a really messed up kid's life, start playing guitar again, write down my family history, run more than three miles (at a time), find new ways to break grammar rules and get away with it. sounds like FUN sign me up!